“The Face Of Depression is Uncertain. It’s Ever Changing.”

Edited by: Royce Harmon  

 

Allow yourself to be a blessing to others during your most trying times, it will become a healing in itself. -Anonymous 

 

Often times we go through situations were we feel abandoned, helpless and null. secluded. During these idle times, emotions fill whole heartedly and pain can give way to doubt. Our insight is based off an era of personal growth we’re we hope to impact a greater audience with our testimony.

 

 

“The face of depression is uncertain. It’s ever changing.” - Chelsea Janee

 

Sometimes my only hope is the sunlight. Depression is praying I feel better in the morning while continuously crying my eyes until they’re sore, slowly breathing and grabbing my rib cage as if I can locate the pain. Depression is never what I cover it up to be, often numb & quiet. I’ve suppressed emotions because emotions are WEAK. We’re forcing ourselves to act sane, remain “normal”, because we’re suppose to be friendly in our meetings and coherent in the workplace. Relationships suffer due to the inconsistency of feelings (bipolar) and the inability to control them. Friends and family begin to question you’re mood swings and subtle conversation presume. Depression is crippling. It's unexpected, it's unrehearsed, like “I don't have the words to explain my feelings and your presence would be greatly appreciated but, I also would like you to understand by giving me my space .”

 

(What did she just say?)

 

Yes, sometimes you want people near for guidance and comfort. Sometimes you just feel like the whole world closing in on you and you want to separate from your society. You want to take your mind to a different place but you don’t know how you’re in this state. Depression for me has always been something I didn’t address the anxiety because, in my head, I felt I was broken. A burden I truly needed to bury at the alter , but after so many trips and so many conferences, discussions, meetings, I started to wonder what's wrong with me?? 

 

 

Why can't I be fixed ?? Why is my mind ok one day and rambling the next ? Why am I happy one moment and then sad for no reason ?? Why can't I get the victory ?? Why isn't the prayer working for me?? I'm not trying hard enough? I'm not fasting long enough? I'm not deleting enough people out of my life because I'm not focused?

 

In all life's inconsistencies and changes , those who have come and gone , depression has stood the test of time. The mental illness births unexplainable anxiety, unimaginable fears, & suicidal thoughts. It has ripped apart my mind, teared at my stomach, welled in the corners of my eyes, and has left me in pieces before ever bringing peace. The face of depression is uncertain. It’s ever changing. There are so many people carrying the burdens of many yesterday’s” not able to live fully in the moment.

 

 

In life there are no breaks. The world does not stop for your pain. B continue. Work continues. School continues. So many hollow laughs & jagged smiles masking.. depression. 

 

 

 

 

“Depression starts with "its okay", it's silent tears on a smiling face. “

-Ariella

 

 

 

Depression takes you out of the present moment and makes you feel as though life is a race. "I gotta get to the next place, a new space, a new bae"

"Whats next, I can't enjoy right now". "I know they said it's coming, but I need it right now." Pressuring myself to apply pressure, endlessly searching for better, constantly trying to do better. The weight of the world is on my shoulders but the image I portray shows no signs of strain. 

Truth is I’m tired, uninspired, something fucked up the way im wired.

Everything around me is crumbling, 

"It will get better" thats what they keep mumbling.

But will it? When will I feel it?

When will my love be fucking replenished,

When will someone give me what I give them,

When will my heart get to rest and just be still?My mind has no ease... Im searching for peace. 

My load is so heavy but I cant drop a thing, I've dropped to my knees, 

I've prayed every day. "If it's not meant for me, lord take it away"

Hidden feelings with public inspection, everybody wanna dissect it...

Hell, thats what started this depression. Depression is a cancer that penetrates the mind, it freezes your body and you get lost in time. 

You get high on memories to cope with the pain, you're pulled away from the present. You get washed out by the rain. 

It interrupts sleep and it breaks inner peace. It starts with the lies that are told through one's teeth. 

It grows with every new disappointment.. it takes inner healing to even disarm it.

 

 

I KNOW that I’m worth it

Im SO MULTI-PURPOSE

Im deeper than ALL

That I put on the SURFACE

My SPIRIT is LARGE

Though I WALK like I’m MEEK,

My vulnerability

Makes me all things,

BUT WEAK

I know that I am FREE

My biggest project is ME

Results wont come EASY

But they'll damn sure be SWEET

DEPRESSION is OPPRESSION

Lead by FAKE ass FRIENDS

Weak ass MEN

And EXHAUSTION of GIFTS

Today that all ENDS

My FOCUS is ME

I will be all that I set out to be

I will live in the present

Turn this HELL in to HEAVEN

I'll escape this PRISON that we call DEPRESSION.

-Ariella

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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March 24, 2020