This week I made a post about lesbians who lie about having sex with men as a way to get pregnant. Of course, I received a ton of backlash, but ultimately my mission of starting a difficult conversation was accomplished. The statement that was made was extrememly loaded, considering this is a two sided argument that I am making. The first is that there is always some stigma about lesbians who decide to become mothers. Some people seem to not understand how a lesbian could even want to have children considering she is not sexually active or attracted to men. So how would that work? In the same breath, those who are asking those questions are also attempting to "normalize" the journey by assuming that her only option is to have sex with a man; which is far from true.
Lets first establish the fact that, it is possible for a lesbian to enjoy penetration, but not be sexually attracted to a man at all. It is biology and mechanics. The old lock and key analogy. Therefore, it is perfectly normal for a lesbian to want and to use sexy toys used for penetration. Now, in saying that, you should also understand that by simply being lesbian, it doesn't inherently mean that a woman loses her urge to become a mother.
Once people get past the fact that you are a lesbian and desire to have children, are expecting children, or have them already, their next question is generally followed by a multitude of questions that are aimed at figuring out "HOW did that happen?!". A lot of people automatically assume that you have had sex with a man. Why is that? Two reasons: Ignorance to other options and because they've heard of it happening before. The post that was made talked about lesbians sometimes lying about having sex with men, claiming it is the only option. Then the uproar happened. So let me clarify.
It is wrong to misinform women who are attempting to make a life changing decision with information that is NOT true. Having sex with a man is not the only route for those lesbians who aren't considering it. Yes it is okay if that's what you decide to do, but for someone who isn't sure what the right decision is for them, they need to have all of their options on the table.
Lets discuss your options if you are ready to take that step into motherhood.
1. Fostering/ Adoption
Foster Parenting and Adoption are one major way to make a difference in a child's life. Of course, many of us all have the urge to biologically carry our own children, but think about how many children are waiting to find their forever homes in foster care and orphanages around the country and the world. We all know that Adoption can get a little expensive with home studies, lawyers and expenses; but did you know that if you were to work with your local Child Protective Services department, the State would pay for a lot of those expenses.
For more information on fostering and adoption in the Dallas,TX are click here.
2. Artificial Insemination (IUI AND IVF)
We all know about the old Turkey Baster Method. Artificial insemination is more than "going in a cup" and using a turkey baster to get pregnant. In order for this to work, or any conception, a woman needs to know how healthy her reproductive system is and if she will need any assistance in getting pregnant. This includes blood work ups, going over diets, getting pap smears done. Artificial insemination can be done at home or at your physicians office. Many lesbians couples have chosen to buy sperm or receive it from close friends and use tools such as The Stork Conception aid to get pregnant at home. If couples decide to go with their physician for artificial insemination, "Treatment may be as simple as intrauterine insemination (IUI) (also known as artificial insemination) using donor sperm from an anonymous or known donor.For women with diminished ovarian reserve, tubal, or pelvic factors, in vitro fertilization (IVF) may provide the best chance for pregnancy." Check with your insurance carriers to find out what benefits may cover your expenses. Trust me I was surprised at what was offered.
3. Reciprocal IVF
Image Credit: https://www.invitra.com
Now, I must be honest, the next two options listed will be a little pricier because it requires more medically. However, a lot of lesbian couples consider reciprocal IVF because both partners are involved in the process of conceiving the baby! One mom provides the eggs, the other mom provides the womb. "In general, the costs of reciprocal IVF are similar to those of IVF with a known donor. One woman undergoes treatment to create the embryos, while the other is prepared for a fresh embryo transfer. On average, a “fresh” cycle of IVF costs about $12,000 plus the cost of fertility medications, which range from $3,000 to as much as $10,000 for each partner."
Surrogacy- You know, that thing we accused Beyonce of when she was pregnant with Blue Ivy, or that thing that Kim K did with her last baby.
Surrogacy is a method or agreement whereby a woman agrees to carry a pregnancy for another person or persons, who will become the newborn child's parent after birth. This is something to consider for those who many have fertility issues and have the purses to handle it. "Every surrogacy case is unique and involves factors that can impact the overall fees and price. The average cost of surrogacy can range from $90,000 to $130,000 depending on the individual arrangements. In states like California, where surrogates are in high demand, the cost may be slightly higher."
You see being a lesbian is not a death sentence for your motherhood. There is more than one journey to the same gift. Just make informed choices instead of pressured ones. Your body is yours, and no one, not even me, can judge you for the decisions you make with your body. Children are a gift that every woman deserves the opportunity to experience. Don't lie to her and take away her choice of how her journey begins. I wish great health, healing, fertility, strength and courage for the women who have begun or will begin their journey. Congratulations on your future new bundles.